Longing For His Appearing

A meditation on Song of Songs 4:12, 15

“You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain…You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.”

Jesus, my Beloved, my Bridegroom – I want to be a spring enclosed and a sealed fountain^a that is kept pure and undefiled for you.  I desire to be a vessel for the living water that comes from your throne^b, a jar of clay that contains the treasure^c of the presence of your Holy Spirit within me^d.  As I drink deeply of the water that you offer me, would that same spring of living water well up in me to eternal life^e.  As your bride and as your wife, I long to be one whom you can come to and drink deeply of the fountain of my heart and that it would satisfy you and give you joy^f.  I desire that the well of my heart would be deep^g and rich and abundant, bringing you great pleasure and delight when you taste its water. 

Would you help me to, above all else, guard my heart, since it is a wellspring of life^h.  Help me to keep my heart pure and untainted by the mud and pollution of the worldⁱ.  Jesus, I desire for the wellspring of my heart to flow with righteousness and holiness, uncontaminated by sin or compromise.  May my fountain be yours alone, never to be shared with other lovers seeking to take a drink and steal what belongs to you^j.  Would you place a seal upon my heart and a lock that only you can open – a sign that I am yours and that you are jealous for me with blazing love^k.  Would you also seal any cracks or points of weakness that hinder me from being able to keep your presence in my life^l – make me like a spring whose waters never fail^m, a woman who is in constant communion with your Spirit and continuously being filled with your lifeⁿ.

Jesus, would you give me understanding^o and wisdom^p, would the words of my mouth drip with purity and righteousness^q, and may I have the fear of the Lord so that I could be a fountain of life^r.  Help me to see my heart as the rare treasure that it is, as a sweet, refreshing spring for my Beloved, so that I would guard it rightly and keep it pure for you.

a Song of Songs 4:12
b Revelation 22:1
c 2 Corinthians 4:7
d John 7:38-39
e John 4:13-14
f Proverbs 5:18-19
g Proverbs 18:4
h Proverbs 4:23
i Proverbs 25:26
j Proverbs 5:15-18
k Song of Songs 8:6
l Jeremiah 2:13
m Isaiah 58:11
n John 10:10
o Proverbs 16:22
p Proverbs 13:14
q Proverbs 10:11; James 3:9-12
r Proverbs 14:27

In the past several months, I have had a recurring dream where the main theme is relatively the same and the details are just slightly different each time.  In these dreams, I am being approached by a man who begins to flirt with me, flatter me with nice words, tries to make physical advances, and even speaks poorly about my husband.  My response to these men varies – sometimes I listen to what they’re saying, because their flattery sort of makes me feel good, sometimes I react with violence and physically assault them, sometimes I just try to run away, and at other times I have called out to my husband to come to my aid.  My husband’s response was also varied – he was often nearby, but just out of earshot or line of sight – seemingly unaware of what was happening.  In one dream, he approached me and the man who was flirting with me and he began to speak words of love to me and kiss me.  In another dream, he firmly took the man aside and warned him to stay away from me. 

Since I believe that the Lord speaks to me through dreams, I have begun to ask Him what He is trying to say to me, since apparently I’m not getting the message, as He’s having to repeatedly give me the same dream to try and get through my thick skull!    To be clear, I don’t believe these dreams are literal and I don’t think the Lord is trying to warn me about committing adultery against my actual husband – I love my husband dearly and am committed to stay true and faithful to him for all of our days.  What I believe these dreams are, is a picture or analogy for my relationship with my heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus.

In Proverbs, it says that “jealousy is a husband’s fury” and in Hosea, the Lord talks about how he will jealously win back his adulterous wife, Israel, and block her path from going after her other lovers.  In Hosea, Israel’s other lovers were wealth, food, possessions, and worshipping other gods, forgetting her first love.  I think I can often be tempted to console myself that I am not committing adultery against the Lord, because I don’t think I’m being unfaithful or completely giving myself away to other loves.  Yet, what I believe these dreams are suggesting, is that I need to be wary of not just committing adultery, but also of even listening to the flattering words of these other loves that would seek to steal my affections from my Husband, if even for just a moment.  It may seem innocent, but in reality, it is very dangerous.  I don’t know much about what people have experienced when they’ve gone through unfaithfulness in their marriage, but I’m sure it wasn’t a sudden decision to go and commit adultery – it probably began with simply listening to someone’s flattering words. 

I’m beginning to realize that I don’t just want to avoid committing adultery against the Lord – I don’t even want any suitors!  I don’t want to even allow them to whisper their alluring words in my ear.  I want to respond to their flirtation in the same way I would respond in real life if a man approached me.  I wouldn’t stand for it!  I would definitely tell my husband about it and I would clearly let the man know that his advances were unwelcome and to stop, because I’m a married woman!  Similarly, if I think about the things in my life that distract me from the Lord as suitors who are trying to steal my affections from my Husband, I think it would help me to respond to them with a greater severity and sobreity.  These things – whether they be television, surfing the internet, busyness, even doing good things when I know I need to spend time with the Lord – are all trying to flatter me and flirt with me and tell me how much they want to be with me and that I’ll enjoy their company more than my Husband’s.  They try to convince me that they will bring me more joy and satisfaction and that He doesn’t really care about me that much anyways.

Well, if I think about the way my husband would respond if a guy was making advances at me, he would definitely take action if it was required and come to make his claim of me clearly known!  In the dream where my husband came and began to kiss me and tell me he loved me, I felt so affirmed and reassured in his love and it was like a slap in the face of the suitor who had just been trying to convince me that my husband didn’t really care about me.  In the dream where my husband forcefully dealt with the suitor and told him where to go, I was extremely relieved and felt like he had rescued me from a situation where I was feeling weak and not handling it well on my own.  What I believe the Lord was trying to show me is that, if I let Him, He wants to demonstrate His love and affections for me in such a way that it will shatter all the lies of my suitors and will leave no room for doubt about His feelings for me.  He wants to erase any misgivings I may have about His commitment to me and His passion for me.  He wants me to have experiential knowledge of His love for me so that I will never be tempted to find my satisfaction anywhere else.  And He is just waiting for me to ask Him to come to my aid - as my heavenely Husband, He will gladly deal with any suitors and show them that I belong to Him and Him alone!  He will jealously display His Husband’s fury on my behalf and scatter them before me.  All I need to do is look to Him and He will run to my rescue, displaying to me His passion to possess my heart entirely. 

So, for example, if I’m in the very face of temptation and I’m feeling the urge to go rent a movie (I’m not saying watching movies is wrong – only when I know that I need to spend time with the Lover of my soul & to watch a movie would mean choosing to be entertained over intimacy with my heavenly Bridegroom), I could in that moment, lift my voice and say, “Jesus, this movie is flirting with me and trying to steal my affections from You.  I know that it cannot satisfy me and that You are exceedingly superior, yet it’s alluring words are tempting me to be unfaithful to my commitment to love You wholeheartedly.  Jesus, would You come and demonstrate Your jealousy and passion for me right now!  Would You fight for me and speak to me Your words of love so that I will be able to violently resist this suitor and rediscover confidence in Your affections for me.  You are my Husband and I do not want to even listen to the flattery of this suitor.  You are my first and only love.  I am Yours and You are mine!”

For Part 1 on this topic – click here!

So as a follow-up to my first post on this topic, since I’m currently pregnant, this has presented a challenge for how I can still participate in the gift of fasting.  I’ve been thinking about a few different options and got some ideas from others, and I also had the opportunity to ask my doctor a couple questions.  So here are some suggestions on things you might want to consider trying if you are in a similar situation to me.

1. Fast Facebook or Myspace or any other networking, bloggy, time-eating site.
2. Fast email – this one isn’t too practical for me, since it’s pretty crucial to my day-to-day life and work, but it could be good to try!
3. Fast T.V. and/or movies – since we don’t even have our T.V. set up, this one isn’t too helpful for me personally, but if you have a bit of a T.V. addiction, then this could be the fast for you!  When my husband & I still had T.V. in our house, we went on a 40-day T.V. and movie fast and it dramatically shifted the atmosphere in our home and I definitely felt the difference in my times with God during it!  (This fast should also include watching videos via the Internet)
4. Fast blogs – fast reading your list of 50 favorite blogs – I’ve noticed it can take quite a chunk of time to keep up with everyone’s writings!
5. Fast other media/entertainment – reading a great fiction novel?  Just bought a new magazine?  Love video games?  Try fasting them for a day or more!
6. Fast a particular type of food or drink - fast meat for a day, fast the tasty carbs (breads, pastas, rice, potatoes) for a day, fast all sweets for a day, eat only soup for a day, fast coffee or sodas (caffeine).  Be creative and try fasting something that you actually really enjoy eating, since the pleasure of food is often the thing we crave more than the sustenance we get from it - so, if you’re me, fasting mushrooms and pineapple would sort of defeat the purpose, since I hate these anyways!    Also, I ran this idea by my obstetrician, and she gave me permission to do this, but you should check with your doctor to see what is okay for you.
7. Fast talking – yikes!  I’ve not really tried this one yet, but I think it could be a great one. 
8. Fast sex – obviously this would be one for the married folks and you need your spouse to agree to this, since the Bible is clear that we are not to deny our spouse the fulfillment of their sexual needs unless both are in agreement, and then to do it only for a short time.  But this is a totally valid way to set aside another desire of the flesh in order to focus on the Lord.

I’m sure there’s more than this, but it’s a start.  So, I’m going to try implementing a couple of these ideas as well as some other strategies to help me.  For example, I like to read the occassional news article online, but instead of fasting this, I’ve decided that I can’t read an article unless I’m going to pray about it.  This helps in the area of ensuring that I’m not just fasting, but also praying!  Another thing is that even though I may still be eating meals, I will prioritize and make sure I spend some time in prayer before eating on my fasting days.  As I mentioned in another one of my blog posts on fasting, I’ve set some clear guidelines for my fasting and also made a prayer plan, with specific topics I want to pray about on my fasting day and a scheduled time to do so.  I’m excited, because I don’t want to allow myself to get into a rut where fasting isn’t a part of my lifestyle, even though I’m pregnant, and it’ll make it so much easier to start fasting food again once I’m able to, if I’ve kept my heart in an attitude of fasting.  I hope this helps!

Fasting is often difficult (thank God for the times when its easy!) and the enemy will do just about anything to keep you from it.  Now you may not struggle with the same hurdles that I’ve encountered, but if you’re anything like me, than hopefully you’ll find some of these tips helpful.  Here are a couple things I discovered recently in my attempts at fasting:

1. Set clear guidelines

Almost every time I do a fast, if I don’t set very clear guidelines for the type of fast I’m going to do (and even when I do), I am always tempted to bend the rules or make excuses to get out of it.  For example, I know that I want to fast in some way on a particular day, but I am indecisive about what kind of fast I’ll be doing – will I go on water only?  Will I allow myself to drink juice?  Will I say no solids, but any type of liquid?  Will I say just fruits and vegetables? No sweets?  One meal?  etc.  If I don’t make a clear decision on what I’m doing, I’ll end up fasting nothing!  Or, if I say I’m going to fast and I start off thinking I’ll do water only, by mid-morning I’m allowing myself some juice, by lunch I’m having a milky, sugary, caffeinated latte, by supper time I decide I’ll let myself have a bowl of soup and then by the end of the day I’m having a big plate of nachos with cheese and salsa before bed!  Now, there is always grace and this is not a regimented religious exercise where you have to follow strict rules – it’s about your heart – but you’re really cheating yourself of entering into the voluntary weakness of fasting if you don’t give yourself clear boundaries for your fast and seek to do your best to follow them.

2. Have accountability

Now, we know we’re not supposed to broadcast our fasting to the world and the general rule is that it’s between you and God and nobody else needs to know about it.  By flaunting your fast to the public, you are receiving your reward on earth for a few moments, but losing your eternal reward in heaven.  At the same time, I believe it is super helpful to have one person, like your spouse or a close friend, that you tell what kind of fast you are doing and then ask them to keep you accountable!  If my husband has no idea that I have intentions to fast on a certain day, I am 100% more likely to break my fast than if I know that he knows.  Even if he’s not around to see me, it’ll be in the back of mind that he might ask me how my fast is going and that might be just enough to keep me from eating that ice cream sandwich.  Now hopefully we would fear the Lord more than man and fast with the knowledge that He is always watching and sees everything, but if you need that extra little help, I would suggest telling just one person and give them permission to ask you about it!

3. Have a prayer plan

I remember the first time I heard teaching on fasting as a youth where the speaker said that “fasting without prayer is dieting”.  While I believe there is still value in fasting when you’re just gritting your teeth through it and prayer is farthest from your mind, this is definitely not God’s highest for fasting.  Fasting without prayer is mostly starving yourself for no reason.  The goal or purpose is to spend the time you would normally give to preparing food and eating and use it to sit at Jesus’ feet in communion with Him.  How this looks will be different for everyone – perhaps you’ll read your Bible and simply meditate on the Word, perhaps you’ll do a study on a certain topic in the Bible, perhaps you’ll spend time in worship and adoration, or you might like to focus that time on interceding for the needs of others.  Whatever it looks like, there should be some form of prayerful communing with God.  But for me, the same as having clear guidelines for the type of fast I’ll be doing, if I don’t have a plan of action for my time with the Lord, chances are I’ll play games on my computer while I’m skipping lunch!  Not having a plan makes me feel a little lost, so it’s often a good idea to have a scripture picked out that I want to read, or a specific topic I’ve been wanting to study, or a list of needs I want to pray about.

That’s it for now – if I come across more stumbling blocks to fasting (which I’m sure I will), then I’ll be sure to write about what I find helpful to overcoming them in a future post!

What is a fasted lifestyle?
Living a fasted lifestyle is about much more than just fasting food, it’s also about living a surrendered life in the areas of food, our finances and our time.  Fasting is voluntary weakness – choosing weakness on our own accord for the sake of love.  This can include fasting food, or it could mean living a simpler life financially so that you are able to give more money away or so that you are able to work less and give more time to prayer, or it could mean choosing to give up the time you spend watching your favorite TV show in order to spend time reading your Bible.  All of these are forms of living a fasted lifestyle – making choices to live our lives by the Spirit which will surely cause us to feel weak (in other words – grumpy, hungry, or discontent) by not satisfying the desires of our flesh.

“Yield”
In this post, I wanted to talk about one way to live a fasted lifestyle, which is to be wary of giving in to urges, cravings and impulses.  In life, you will both need & desire certain foods, possessions and activities.  Yet it takes discernment to know when these are the growling of the flesh.  This is definitely not an easy thing to discern since our desires can often overpower our ability to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit clearly. Lately however, this topic has really come to the forefront in my pregnancy, since as a pregnant woman, you are constantly validated in your cravings and encouraged to satisfy them.  This is so tempting to listen to!  I’m essentially being told to give in to whatever whimsy or fancy I have for any type of food at any time!  I truly don’t understand the logic in this, when it’s clearly not healthy or beneficial for my well-being or the baby’s (unless I’m craving vegetables)?  Yet this mindset is prevalent throughout society in ALL areas!  We are constantly being told to give in to our urges and impulses for that big juicy steak, or that big screen TV, or tickets to the latest popular event.  “Eat, drink, and be merry!  Spend, spend, spend!!! Relax and enjoy yourself for a few hours – you deserve it!”  I have an especially vivid memory of a huge McDonald’s billboard with a gigantic picture of their irresistable fries (my personal favorite) with one simple word – “Yield”!

“Their god is their stomach” 

But how do we combat these messages that bombard us on a daily basis??  I think a part of our answer lies in Philippians 3.  In verses 18-19, Paul mentions those who are enemies of the cross of Christ – now, this may mean unbelievers, but earlier in the chapter he talks about sharing in the sufferings of Christ, so I believe it could also refer to believers who aren’t willing to enter into the fellowship of His sufferings – and goes on to describe that “Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.“  So, if we don’t want our stomach to be our god or the desires of our flesh to control us, then it is imperative that our vision be fixed on what is eternal and not what is earthly.  In this same chapter Paul speaks of where he has chosen to focus his gaze – “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  He is looking to Jesus and looking to heaven – to that which is eternal and lasting – instead of the temporary and fleeting pleasures of that Big Mac I crave, or the newest fashion trend I itch to have, or the urge inside to waste my time with the empty fascination of a television show.

It’s a battle
There is a spiritual battle being waged for my heart and I feel the pull of these things hourly!  Where will I choose to give my energy, money and time?  Will I give in to the urges, cravings and impulses of my flesh?  On what and on whom will I choose to fix my gaze?  Will I live for what it fading away or for what will last forever?  The spirit fights against the flesh and right now, the flesh is winning out.  This needs to change and I need to get a violent zeal within me that will scream “NOOOOO!!!” to the world’s command to “Yield”.

Unable to Fast?
As much as I sometimes hate fasting and find it very difficult to do, I also think it’s one of our most precious gifts from the Lord for tenderizing our hearts and helping us to draw near to Him.  So when I became pregnant and fasting became a big “no, no” for the baby’s health & safety, I felt like I was missing out!  Part of me was rejoicing that I had an excuse not to fast while the other part of me was mourning the loss of it.

Someone Help Me!
So here I am, several months pregnant, and wishing I had some moms to talk to and give me advice from their experiences.  I have so many questions, like “Did you fast anything while you were pregnant?” and if so, “What kinds of fasting did you do?” and “Did you feel like it had the same impact for your heart?”  I want to know if there are ways that I can fast while pregnant or breastfeeding, whether involving food or not, that will still allow me to enter into the benefits for my heart that fasting provides.  Should I fast computer time?  Should I fast sweets?  Is it okay to do a Daniel type fast, eating only fruits and vegetables for a day?  What have other pregnant women done who wanted to still have an element of fasting in their spiritual lives?

Forging a new path
I expressed this to my husband and he reminded me of a sermon we had once listened to where the speaker was exhorting the people in the audience who were looking for a spiritual mentor to consider that God may want them to be one!  Could it be, that while I am wishing I had someone to show me the way that the Lord would actually want me to forge a new path?  Instead of waiting for someone to tell me how to do it, perhaps I should seek the answers myself and be a voice to others with the same questions as me!  This definitely challenges me, as I wish there was an easier way, yet I’ll get nowhere if I just sit and wait for someone else to seek God and then share with me what they found!  I have a few precious months left in this pregnancy to allow God to teach me new things in the area of fasting and I don’t want to let them go to waste.

Share your ideas
At the same time, if you have found your way to this blog, I’d love to hear any thoughts or suggestions that you may have on the topic!  Go ahead and leave a comment & perhaps I’ll try your idea!